5 Reasons Why Lists Are my Favorite Things to Write

Don’t you just love a good list? There’s something deeply satisfying about seeing all those words lined up in such an organised manner, isn’t there?

No?

Just the Countess then? Okay. Fine. Be like that.

So here it is my Bawkie Bairns, for those of you that are interested. The 5 reasons why lists are my favorite things to write.

1     They’re just so gorgeously organised! Lots of words, all lined up and looking pretty. You know what I mean? You start off with a blank page, with maybe some lines on it. You add numbers, in the proper order, of course. And then you add a collection of things. Which particular things? Any thing you want! That’s the beauty of it. And then you add some more things. Before you know it, you’ve filled the page. Magic!!!

2     Lists are how the Countess makes sense of things. Or at least tries to make sense of things. Countess Drusilla’s Dad died when she was 6 years old and funnily enough, she was a bit upset at the time. So she got some paper and wrote down a few facts about him. There’s various theories about why she felt the need to do that, but it must have seemed weird to some people. One of the adults didn’t think it was too healthy, so they took the paper away. The little Countess Drusilla, just wrote another one out. To be fair she wasn’t actually a Countess at this stage, she was just a little girl who had lost someone important and couldn’t understand why. For whatever reason, she must have found some form of comfort in that small piece of paper.

3     Lists help you make decisions. Have you ever done the “pro’s and con’s list?” It’s an invaluable tool for helping you decide something important like which servant to have flogged as the after dinner entertainment. You list all the “pro’s” down one side of a piece of paper and all the con’s down another. So, for example, if you’re trying to decide between Brigid and Brian, you make a list of all of Brigid’s good points and then all of her bad points. And then you do the same for Brian.

On second thought, that’s actually a bad example. We all know really that deciding to have a woman flogged or a man flogged, is a no-brainer. Especially if he looks good with his shirt off…Ahem.

4     Lists help you keep track of things. As you get older, you find that most things don’t work as well as they used to. Things like knees, hips, eyes. And…um…oh yes…the memory. Countess Drusilla’s memory still works perfectly fine thank you very much. This is something I’ve observed in others.

Anyhoo, writing things down ensure’s you don’t forget anything important. Or unimportant for that matter. The Count gets very upset if one of the servants forgets to buy his ale, for example. If the servants knew their letters, this situation would not occur, the Count could amuse himself and Countess Drusilla would not bothered with his constant blethering because he’s bored!

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5     Evidence! How can you possibly expect to win an argument with the Count, if you can’t recite any of his sins from twenty years ago? In the heat of the moment, nobody can be expected to remember everything. And as every woman knows, it is essential, absolutely essential, to remind the Count of all past sins, in a screeching voice, while pointing your finger at him! Which finger? Well, that depends on how badly he’s fucked up this time, doesn’t it? You must have a list of past grievances handy at all times, you never know when you’ll need it.

No, no, my Bawkie Bairns, there’s no need to thank me for my latest words of wisdom. Countess Drusilla Steele feels it’s her sacred duty to inform those who are unaware, of the sheer beauty of a good list. Written down, you understand. The Countess has no time at all for these newfangled tape recording thingamajigs. What nonsense. They’re only a fad you know. Won’t last.

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